


nobody broke your heart (you broke your own)

by emilia_kaisa



Series: advent challenge 2019 [10]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Disappointment, Not Beta Read, Sad, Songfic, also me crying at midnight, me crying over my precious son, now i feel bad for writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21737644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: It’s almost funny, how easily dreams and hopes can fall apart into a million pieces, tiny and sharp, and it’s so hard to pick them up and glue together again, harsh edges cutting deep and leaving ugly scars that don't want to heal.
Series: advent challenge 2019 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559338
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	nobody broke your heart (you broke your own)

**Author's Note:**

> I love Dima and I'm still sad, but I'm also hopeful for the future.  
> Song: 'Alameda' by Elliot Smith

It’s almost funny, how easily dreams and hopes can fall into a million pieces, tiny and sharp, and it’s so hard to pick them up and glue together again, harsh edges cutting deep and leaving ugly scars that don't want to heal.

Dima isn’t sure if he wants to do it again.

Everything was easier, those few years back, when he was entering senior circuit with big heart and big hopes, with first successes carrying him like a wave, up and down, to the Europeans podium and 7th place finish in Pyeongchang. It was a good start, a promising one, and Dima couldn’t help but feel good, like he deserved it and that maybe in the future he would deserve more. 

_You walk down alameda shuffling your deck of trick cards over everyone_

_Like some precious only son_

_Face down, bow to the champion_

And then, everything started falling apart. 

Dima wasn’t sure what was going on, why his body wasn’t strong enough and why his mind was betraying him, a tiny voice whispering in the middle of the night that he had missed his shot already, that the window was closed now and there was only way down, from now on.

Dima couldn’t help but think that it was his own fault. 

_For your own protection over their affection_

_Nobody broke your heart_

_You broke your own because you can't finish what you start_

He tries, he tries, he tries his best only to fall again, over and over again, each tumble making him feel number and number until he can’t feel anything anymore except that terrible emptiness in the place where his heart should be. 

There is a strong hand on his shoulder, always comforting, and Dima doesn’t feel like he deserves it, because the only things he has the right to expect right now is disappointment and pity, and he knows, and he doesn’t care, empty and cold.

He starts to feel hours later, when painkillers wear off and his body starts radiating with dull ache, and when his mind starts screaming, ugly, high pitched sounds echoing in his head. 

_Nobody broke your heart_

_You broke your own because you can't finish what you start_

He wonders if he’s strong enough to do all of that again. Because he can’t help but think that he won’t survive falling like that one more time, slipping off of that wall he is trying so desperately to climb, but never able to reach the top. 

And just like that he is on the bottom yet again, weak and crushed, with sharp pieces scattered around him and another wound in his heart. 

_You broke your own_

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
